Simpsons

• To alcohol - The cause of and solution to all of life's problems.
• The strong must protect the Sweet.
• Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.
• Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
• Homer no function beer well without.
• When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
• Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
• I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
• [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
• What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
• Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
• When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
• I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
• Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
• I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
• It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
• Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
• Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
• Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
• How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
• I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
• I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are driving me nuts.
• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
• I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
• Operator! Give me the number for 911!
• Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
• I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
• Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
• Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. ... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. ... Thy will be done.
• Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
• Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
• Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
• That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
• God bless those pagans.
• I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!
• Mmmm, free goo.
• Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
• I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
• Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! ... Well, good night.
• Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
• Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
• Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff! In jail we had to be in this dumb kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori!
• Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
• All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
• Ah, my beer! Oh, now you'll never have a chance to turn into my urine.
• I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
• I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if it’s speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The bus that couldn’t slow down.”
• Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
  Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
  Marge: No! What is he’s crazy?
  Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
• Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
• Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?
• Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
  Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
• I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.
• Faith: Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
  Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really … good.
• Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.
• Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
  Homer: Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
• Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’
• Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.
• Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.
• Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddys, and kids with fake I.D.s.
• I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.
• Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.
• Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
• Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.
• You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
• Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
  Homer: I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty ... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
• Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. Nine!
• Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!

Bart Simpson Quotes

• I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
• Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
• I've said it before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!
• It'll be like Robinson Crusoe, only with more swearing...We'll live like kings...Damn-Hell-Ass Kings!!
• Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks?
• There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
• Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
• You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do: smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a swear word in my hair.
• I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas
• Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
  Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
• Why would anyone want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!
• Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
• What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.
• I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
• I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!
• What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
• Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
• These prices suck! 10,000 yen for coleslaw?
• Why would God punish a kid? I mean.... an American kid?
• I didn't think it was possible, but this both sucks, and blows.

Lisa Simpson Quotes

• If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
• Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
  Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.
• On Nelson: He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.
• I am the Lizard Queen!
• Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
• Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!

Milhouse Van Houten

• I can help you sir, and I answer to no one.
• You leave that to the Baron and me.
• So this is what it feels like when doves cry.
• How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy.
• Alf's back... in pog form.
• What is it with cherubs? I mean, are they barfing or something?

Ralph Wiggum quotes

• Me fail English? That's unpossible.
• Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
• Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
• Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!
• I bent my wookie.
• Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!
• The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
• Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.
• I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
• And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
• I found a moonrock in my nose!
• That's where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things!
• I'm Idaho!
• When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!
• Even my boogers taste spicy.
• What's a battle?
• Miss Hoover: Ralph, are you eating paste?
  Ralph (with paste in his mouth): Mo, ish oovah.
• It tastes like ... burning.
• Bart: Smell that? That's the smell of justice.
  Ralph: Smells like hot dogs.
• Look Big Daddy. It's Regular Daddy.
• Lisa's a vegimartian.
• Everybody's hugging.
• Go banana!

Principal Skinner Quotes

• I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes ... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts!
• I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.
• Order, order. Do you kids want to be like the real UN, or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
• Up yours, Children!
• That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
• Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
• There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
• Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
• I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
• That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Moe Szyslak Quotes

• All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
• Just like my dad used to say, 'Sooner or later, everybody gets shot.'
• Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
• They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
• People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
• Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
  Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
  Moe: The results came back today.
• Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
• Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
• Hi, I'm Moe, or, as the ladies use to call me: "Hey you behind the bushes"

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon Quotes

• Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.
• Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
• Please do not offer my god a peanut.
• Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
• I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
• Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass
• Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
• Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
• Nickel off on expired baby food
• Kindly pay for your purchases and get out, and come again!
• Apu: Baby Asprin $24.95.
  Marge: $24.95!?
  Apu: Yes. I had to lower the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
• Mmmm, that's good adultery!

Chief Wiggum Quotes

• Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose.
• See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
• All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
• No jury in the world is going to convict a baby ... Maybe Texas.
• You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.
• Oh, sure. We'd all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?
• I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
• Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?
• This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
• She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!
• Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!
• Ehm, what does it say on my badge?... 'Cash Bribes Only'!
• Ralph, what is it with your facination with my 'Forbidden Closet of Mystery'?
• Let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again. Each and every week.
• No, you got the wrong number, this ist 912.

Rainier Wolfcastle (McBain) Quotes

• I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. There, I will hunt the deadliest game of all... Man.
• Someone please, give me a job. I lowered my quote to $8 million. I do nude scene, I play nerd. Don't make me punch your throat!
• Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.
• My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
• Leave me a message after the beep..BUT DON'T BE A MESSAGE HOG USING UP ALL MY TAPE!
• Laughing time is ovah.
• My teenage son returns from a fancy East Coast college, and I'm horrified to discover he's a nerd.
• On closer inspection, these are loafers.
• My new film is a mixture of action and comedy.
• Have you ever noticed how men leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke.
• Here's my impression of Woody Allen. (doesn't change voice at all) "I'm a nuerotic little nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
• My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her.
• Nice shirt. It makes you look like a homosexual. [Audience boos]. Perhaps you are all homosexuals!
• McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!
• 1 Highway, 0 City
• Up and at them!

Marge Simpson Quotes

• You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
• Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
• Now let's all forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
• You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.
• Kill em all, and let God sort them out.
• Now that's what I call breakneck speed!

Mr. Burns Quotes

• Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.
• I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
• What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
• Just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time.
• Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!
• I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh.
• Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!
• This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
• Bad corpse! Stop ... scaring ... Smithers!
• A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
• Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
• Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
  Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
• Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
  Smithers: If you did it, sir?
• [Stone flies through Mr. Burns' office window] Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
• Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
• Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones.
• Reading? His job description clearly specified an illiterate!
• To the Spruce Moose.
• Burns: You know Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphange . . . When pigs fly. (Both laugh as an airborne pig suddenly "flys" by, having been ejected from the Simpsons BBQ.)
  Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now sir?
  Burns: Mm . . . No I'd still prefer not.

Nelson Quotes

• We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today let's pound his kidneys
• [On the movie "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title!
• Check it out, a freezer geezer!
• Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.
• Lisa: [reading] "Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?
  Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke something.

Comic Book Guy Quotes

• [after buying 100 tacos] This should provide adequate sustenance for the Dr. Who marathon.
• Correction, I don't believe I've ever bought you . . . oh.
• You would think that would deter me, but no!
• Stan Lee insulted me! But in Bizzaro World, that means he likes me!
• I must return to my lair, where I dispense the insults, rather than absorb them.
• Nooo, it's no longer a collectible!
• You may keep my posteriur, however, please return my Jabba the Butt tattoo.
• Galdak.
• Human contact, the final frontier.

Disco Stu

• Disco Stu likes disco music.
• Disco Stu doesn't advertise.
• Disco Stu got addicted to the white stuff in the seventies.

One Liners and Catch Phrases

• Homer: "D'oh!"; "Why you little...!" "Mmmm..."
• Bart: "Aye-carumba!"; "Eat my shorts."; "Don't have a cow, man!"
• Mr Burns: "Excellent."; "Release the hounds!"
• Apu: "Thank you and come again!"
• Comic Book Guy: "Worst [blank] ever!"
• Mayor Quimby: "Ich bin ein Springfielder!"; "Vote Quimby."
• Announcer: "Flight, the dream of man and flightless bird alike."
• Troy McLure: "Hello, I'm Troy McLure, You may remember me from such films as...."
• Nelson: "Ha-Ha."
• Professor Frink: "Gah-HOY'geh'flavin!"
• Miss Springfield: "Gentlemen, start your whacking!"