MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 QUOTES Quicklyfind - Quotes on just about anything!
NOTE: Much of the humor in Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes do include MST3K humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).
Season 0 (KTMA) Cosmic Princess [0.10] [After digging up a space-warp device and some coordinates, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.] Tony: 1… 2… [as Tony]: 3… Tony: 5… , , Servo: What?! Tony: 6… Joel: That's why they're in such trouble. Tony: 7… 4. Crow: Well, they are British. Season 1 Women of the Prehistoric Planet [1.04] [Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.] Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba! Robot Monster [1.07] [Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man consults with his boss, the Great Guidance.] Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! [as Ro-Man]: Me-man? Ro-Man: Yes. [in distress] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you. [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law! Robot Holocaust [1.10] [Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk. Unfortunately, she doesn't.] Valeria: You liv me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? Torque: Yes! Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man? : Yes! Young girl I don't understand. Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd? Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now. Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck? Season 2 Catalina Caper [2.06] [On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors & The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.] : I feel a number coming on… Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick! Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something. : Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina! Godzilla vs. Megalon [2.12] [Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.] [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster [2.13] [Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.] [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here! Season 3 Gamera [3.02] [As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Morasi and the Commander.] Kenny: Don\'t shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! [as Dr. Morasi]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! Dr. Morasi: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. Commander: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. [as Morasi]: Because Kenny said so. [A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.] Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers… [as Newsman]: … and Kenny… Dr. Morasi: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. : More Gamera movies? [Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.] Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about. Pod People [3.03] [The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.] : It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class. [As the musicians park their camper by a river and set up camp, we hear musical chirps from a synthesizer that are meant to be tweeting birds.] : Syntho-birds. : Hey, it's a Casio forest. : They parked next to a data stream. Daddy-O [3.07] Alphabet Antics [short] Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash! Fugitive Alien [3.10] [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.] [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Gamera vs. Guiron [3.12] [In the movie credits, we see: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.] : [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best : [singing] Movies — NOT! [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…] , , : Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! [At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! [After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.] Tomoko: Kon-cha? Officer Kondo: Heh? What? [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand! [As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Mighty Jack [3.14] , , : [singing to "Blow the Man Down"] Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Teenage Caveman [3.15] Catching Trouble [short] [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.] Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.] Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! [Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.] Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? : Hurting the people you know and love? : Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or… : … or call PETA! Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [3.18] [In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.] Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! [The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.] Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. : Wha— wait a minute. The Unearthly [3.20] Appreciating Our Parents [short] [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.] Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt… [as Narrator]: … in a prison break. Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new. [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. Season 4 The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Cosmic Princess [0.10] [After digging up a space-warp device and some coordinates, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.] Tony: 1… 2… [as Tony]: 3… Tony: 5… , , Servo: What?! Tony: 6… Joel: That's why they're in such trouble. Tony: 7… 4. Crow: Well, they are British. Season 1 Women of the Prehistoric Planet [1.04] [Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.] Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba! Robot Monster [1.07] [Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man consults with his boss, the Great Guidance.] Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! [as Ro-Man]: Me-man? Ro-Man: Yes. [in distress] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you. [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law! Robot Holocaust [1.10] [Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk. Unfortunately, she doesn't.] Valeria: You liv me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? Torque: Yes! Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man? : Yes! Young girl I don't understand. Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd? Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now. Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck? Season 2 Catalina Caper [2.06] [On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors & The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.] : I feel a number coming on… Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick! Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something. : Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina! Godzilla vs. Megalon [2.12] [Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.] [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster [2.13] [Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.] [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here! Season 3 Gamera [3.02] [As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Morasi and the Commander.] Kenny: Don\'t shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! [as Dr. Morasi]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! Dr. Morasi: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. Commander: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. [as Morasi]: Because Kenny said so. [A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.] Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers… [as Newsman]: … and Kenny… Dr. Morasi: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. : More Gamera movies? [Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.] Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about. Pod People [3.03] [The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.] : It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class. [As the musicians park their camper by a river and set up camp, we hear musical chirps from a synthesizer that are meant to be tweeting birds.] : Syntho-birds. : Hey, it's a Casio forest. : They parked next to a data stream. Daddy-O [3.07] Alphabet Antics [short] Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash! Fugitive Alien [3.10] [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.] [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Gamera vs. Guiron [3.12] [In the movie credits, we see: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.] : [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best : [singing] Movies — NOT! [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…] , , : Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! [At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! [After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.] Tomoko: Kon-cha? Officer Kondo: Heh? What? [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand! [As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Mighty Jack [3.14] , , : [singing to "Blow the Man Down"] Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Teenage Caveman [3.15] Catching Trouble [short] [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.] Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.] Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! [Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.] Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? : Hurting the people you know and love? : Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or… : … or call PETA! Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [3.18] [In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.] Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! [The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.] Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. : Wha— wait a minute. The Unearthly [3.20] Appreciating Our Parents [short] [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.] Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt… [as Narrator]: … in a prison break. Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new. [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. Season 4 The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Women of the Prehistoric Planet [1.04] [Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.] Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba! Robot Monster [1.07] [Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man consults with his boss, the Great Guidance.] Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! [as Ro-Man]: Me-man? Ro-Man: Yes. [in distress] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you. [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law! Robot Holocaust [1.10] [Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk. Unfortunately, she doesn't.] Valeria: You liv me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? Torque: Yes! Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man? : Yes! Young girl I don't understand. Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd? Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now. Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck? Season 2 Catalina Caper [2.06] [On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors & The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.] : I feel a number coming on… Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick! Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something. : Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina! Godzilla vs. Megalon [2.12] [Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.] [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster [2.13] [Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.] [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here! Season 3 Gamera [3.02] [As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Morasi and the Commander.] Kenny: Don\'t shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! [as Dr. Morasi]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! Dr. Morasi: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. Commander: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. [as Morasi]: Because Kenny said so. [A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.] Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers… [as Newsman]: … and Kenny… Dr. Morasi: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. : More Gamera movies? [Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.] Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about. Pod People [3.03] [The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.] : It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class. [As the musicians park their camper by a river and set up camp, we hear musical chirps from a synthesizer that are meant to be tweeting birds.] : Syntho-birds. : Hey, it's a Casio forest. : They parked next to a data stream. Daddy-O [3.07] Alphabet Antics [short] Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash! Fugitive Alien [3.10] [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.] [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Gamera vs. Guiron [3.12] [In the movie credits, we see: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.] : [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best : [singing] Movies — NOT! [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…] , , : Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! [At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! [After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.] Tomoko: Kon-cha? Officer Kondo: Heh? What? [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand! [As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Mighty Jack [3.14] , , : [singing to "Blow the Man Down"] Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Teenage Caveman [3.15] Catching Trouble [short] [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.] Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.] Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! [Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.] Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? : Hurting the people you know and love? : Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or… : … or call PETA! Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [3.18] [In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.] Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! [The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.] Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. : Wha— wait a minute. The Unearthly [3.20] Appreciating Our Parents [short] [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.] Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt… [as Narrator]: … in a prison break. Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new. [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. Season 4 The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Catalina Caper [2.06] [On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors & The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.] : I feel a number coming on… Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick! Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something. : Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina! Godzilla vs. Megalon [2.12] [Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.] [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster [2.13] [Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.] [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here! Season 3 Gamera [3.02] [As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Morasi and the Commander.] Kenny: Don\'t shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! [as Dr. Morasi]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! Dr. Morasi: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. Commander: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. [as Morasi]: Because Kenny said so. [A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.] Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers… [as Newsman]: … and Kenny… Dr. Morasi: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. : More Gamera movies? [Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.] Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about. Pod People [3.03] [The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.] : It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class. [As the musicians park their camper by a river and set up camp, we hear musical chirps from a synthesizer that are meant to be tweeting birds.] : Syntho-birds. : Hey, it's a Casio forest. : They parked next to a data stream. Daddy-O [3.07] Alphabet Antics [short] Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash! Fugitive Alien [3.10] [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.] [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Gamera vs. Guiron [3.12] [In the movie credits, we see: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.] : [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best : [singing] Movies — NOT! [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…] , , : Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! [At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! [After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.] Tomoko: Kon-cha? Officer Kondo: Heh? What? [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand! [As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Mighty Jack [3.14] , , : [singing to "Blow the Man Down"] Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Teenage Caveman [3.15] Catching Trouble [short] [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.] Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.] Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! [Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.] Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? : Hurting the people you know and love? : Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or… : … or call PETA! Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [3.18] [In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.] Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! [The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.] Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. : Wha— wait a minute. The Unearthly [3.20] Appreciating Our Parents [short] [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.] Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt… [as Narrator]: … in a prison break. Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new. [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. Season 4 The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Gamera [3.02] [As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Morasi and the Commander.] Kenny: Don\'t shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! [as Dr. Morasi]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! Dr. Morasi: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. Commander: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. [as Morasi]: Because Kenny said so. [A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.] Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers… [as Newsman]: … and Kenny… Dr. Morasi: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. : More Gamera movies? [Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.] Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about. Pod People [3.03] [The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.] : It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class. [As the musicians park their camper by a river and set up camp, we hear musical chirps from a synthesizer that are meant to be tweeting birds.] : Syntho-birds. : Hey, it's a Casio forest. : They parked next to a data stream. Daddy-O [3.07] Alphabet Antics [short] Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash! Fugitive Alien [3.10] [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.] [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Gamera vs. Guiron [3.12] [In the movie credits, we see: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.] : [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best : [singing] Movies — NOT! [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…] , , : Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! [At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! [After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.] Tomoko: Kon-cha? Officer Kondo: Heh? What? [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand! [As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Mighty Jack [3.14] , , : [singing to "Blow the Man Down"] Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Teenage Caveman [3.15] Catching Trouble [short] [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.] Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.] Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! [Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.] Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? : Hurting the people you know and love? : Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or… : … or call PETA! Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [3.18] [In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.] Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! [The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.] Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. : Wha— wait a minute. The Unearthly [3.20] Appreciating Our Parents [short] [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.] Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt… [as Narrator]: … in a prison break. Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new. [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. Season 4 The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Alphabet Antics [short] Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash! Fugitive Alien [3.10] [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.] [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old. Gamera vs. Guiron [3.12] [In the movie credits, we see: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.] : [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best : [singing] Movies — NOT! [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…] , , : Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! [At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! [After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.] Tomoko: Kon-cha? Officer Kondo: Heh? What? [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand! [As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.] [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! Mighty Jack [3.14] , , : [singing to "Blow the Man Down"] Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. Way hey, slow the plot down! Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! Teenage Caveman [3.15] Catching Trouble [short] [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.] Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.] Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! [Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.] Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? : Hurting the people you know and love? : Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or… : … or call PETA! Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [3.18] [In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.] Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! [The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.] Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. : Wha— wait a minute. The Unearthly [3.20] Appreciating Our Parents [short] [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.] Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt… [as Narrator]: … in a prison break. Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new. [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. Season 4 The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Catching Trouble [short] [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.] Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz! Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs. [as Harpo Marx]: Honk! Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.] Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! [Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.] Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? : Hurting the people you know and love? : Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or… : … or call PETA! Star Force: Fugitive Alien II [3.18] [In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.] Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey! [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! [The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.] Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place. Ken: How will we do it? Rocky: Easy. : Wha— wait a minute. The Unearthly [3.20] Appreciating Our Parents [short] [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.] Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt… [as Narrator]: … in a prison break. Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new. [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. Season 4 The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Appreciating Our Parents [short] [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.] Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt… [as Narrator]: … in a prison break. Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new. [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven. Season 4 The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
The Giant Gila Monster [4.02] [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.] Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long. [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.] [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" Manhunt in Space [4.13] General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
General Hospital, Part 1 [short] [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.] : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu. The Human Duplicators [4.20] [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.] : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! : Neat! [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.] : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.] [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that? Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh. [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.] Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner! [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.] Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators! Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— Joel: Oh, that's enough. The Day the Earth Froze [4.22] [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.] Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you! [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me! [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.] [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad. [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer. Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.] Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.] Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation! Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo! Bride of the Monster [4.23] [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.] Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain. Season 5 Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Warrior of the Lost World [5.01] [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.] : She's got a Lady Hemingway! Hercules [5.02] [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.] : Attack of the Mary Martins! Eegah! [5.06] [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.] Dr. Miller: He left the road right here. Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes! : Who said that?! Alien from L.A. [5.16] [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.] Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction. Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. Season 6 Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Invasion USA [6.02] A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
A Date with Your Family [short] Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them. [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.] Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. [as Narrator]: With strychnine! [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother! Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. [as Father]: Please, God, take me now… [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.] Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines. Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people. Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough. [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. [as Narrator]: … than having a personality. Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough. Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU? Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. [as Narrator]: … and control and repression. The Creeping Terror [6.06] [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.] Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles. [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir? Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd! 'Narrator\': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again. Bloodlust [6.07] Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm [short] Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day… [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day! Code Name: Diamondhead [6.08] A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
A Day at the Fair [short] [The Olsen family loads their truck for the county fair.] Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olsen has raised. [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olsen! [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.] Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun. [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! [Bob Olsen examines a jet plane.] Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. [as Bob]: Where's the corn go? Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it? [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.] Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! [as Narrator]: The cows are furious! The Sword and the Dragon [6.17] [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.] Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do. Season 7 MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth) [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.] : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway. [Cal Meacham and Joe Wilson are playing with knobs and dials, apparently experimenting with a radioactive toaster which emits loud grinding noises.] Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay. [as Dr. Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around. [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.] [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson, the Professor from ) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.] Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams! Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve. [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap? [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.] Meacham: What is more important is… Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here. [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall. [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.] Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent— [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien! Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world. Exeter: Yes, indeed. [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien. Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien! [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.] Exeter: Place your hands above the rails. [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.] Exeter: They're magnetized. [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. Season 8 Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Revenge of the Creature [8.01] [The intrepid hunters explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.] : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.] Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve. [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.] Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! The Leech Woman [8.02] [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".] : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall. ''[The jungle explorers trudging through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.] [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.] [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata? [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery jumpsuit.] Neil: Terri… would you marry me? [Terri pulls away.] [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question. Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't. [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it. The Deadly Mantis [8.04] [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.] Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada… [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy. Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence. [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. The Thing That Wouldn't Die [8.05] [Jessica demonstrates her dousing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.] Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. : A trade rat? Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine. : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.] [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat. [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.] Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright. [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat. [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.] [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal! Linda: It still runs. [as J.C. Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat. [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.] Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there. [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.] Flavia: What's that? : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. The Undead [8.06] [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.] Quintus: Around the knuckle… [as Quintus]: Over the gum… Quintus: … over the fingers… Mike [as Quintus]: Look out stomach, here it comes. Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it? [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you? Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding… Servo [as Quintus]: And now – SLEEEEEEP! Quintus: First, slowly. Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly. Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry. Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one. [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Quintus: When I touch you… [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait. Quintus: … we will be one. Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake. [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.] Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… [as Satan]: Route 666! Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience. Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. : [singing] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! I Was a Teenage Werewolf [8.09] [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.] : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. : I thought the night belonged to love. Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. Prince of Space [8.16] [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.] Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! : Crank whore? Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down! [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.] : An exchange of deadly negative scratches! [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.] Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren! : Some diffren? Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld? [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.] Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. ''' [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese. [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.] [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun! : The upper half of a Hopper painting. [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken! Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh! Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?! The Horror of Party Beach [8.17] [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.] [as Biker]: [singing "Chances Are"] Chances are, that I'll kick your scrawny ass… [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.] : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. : So, radiation has a sense of humor! Devil Doll [8.18] [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.] : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free. [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.] Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me! Space Mutiny [8.20] [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.] [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3! [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.] Capt. Devers: Sir. [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.] Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. Capt. Devers: Helveca? [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font! Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret. [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.] [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan. Time Chasers [8.21] [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.] [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart! Overdrawn at the Memory Bank [8.22] [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Appollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.] Appollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life… : Whoa! Appollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part? Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! [She slaps him.] [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually. Appollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is. : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start. [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.] Rick: What're you gonna do? Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Appollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.] : Eating Raul! [As Fingal and Appollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…] : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh? Season 9 The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
The Projected Man [9.01] [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.] Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat! Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in! [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans! Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay. Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on! [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… suck! : Are we not blokes? Prof. Steiner: Relay One. Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in! Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end! [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.] Thief: Gloria? [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A? Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo! Thief: Gloria! [as Thief]: I hear they got your number. The Phantom Planet [9.02] Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it. Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen. [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.] Judge Eden: Man of Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness. [Ruler Sesom tries to explain Rhetonan society to newcomer Chapman.] Sesom: There are many things you will not understand here… [as Sesom]: … big and obvious doorknob. [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.] Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. [as Jury]: [cheering] We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Guilty! Guilty! G-U-I-L … T-Y! Whoo! Yaaaay! [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.] Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. : So people are just balloons? [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.] White: Where's Makonnen? Chapman: He's dead. Gone. [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. Puma Man [9.03] Vadinho: My name is Vadinho. [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion. [Amerind Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.] Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does. [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda. [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.] Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it. Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! [as Jane]: But my will won't! Jane: I- I- I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. : Amelia Airhead. [In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.] Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes! [The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.] Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. : To be left alone — the goal of every great hero! [As Puma Man hops like a rabbit on speed around the force-fielded Kobras…] : [singing "Believe It or Not (The Theme from 'The Greatest American Hero')"] Believe it or not, this movie's still on. It should have ended two hours ago! Werewolf [9.04] [At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.] Paul: I'm actually working on something now. Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter? [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all. [In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.] Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary! Noel: In due time, you'll know everything. Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late! : Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. [At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.] Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? [as Yuri]: Yes, we is. Natalie: But over my deadBODy. The Space Children [9.06] Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Century 21 Calling [short] [In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.] : Oh! They want their little gold jacket back. [At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?.] [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. [A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.] Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line? [as Customer]: No. Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! : Well, andante, maybe. [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. The Touch of Satan [9.08] [A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.] Farmer: Mercy, if… if you'd come in like the rest of them… : Mercy? Farmer: … there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me! [A very ancient, wrinkled woman (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.] Luther: What happened? What have you done? [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! [Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.] Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even. [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around. [Jody drives off.] [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy. [Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.] Melissa: This is where the fish lives. Jody: Why did you run? [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? [Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.] [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives. Melissa: Tell me about yourself. Who you are, all of that. [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives. Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count. Now, when the Bolsheviks came in… Melissa: Stop it. Jody: You don't believe that? Melissa: No. Jody: Well, it could be true. Melissa: Stop it. [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss This-Is-Where-The-Fish-Lives! [In Jody's 19th-Century dream, Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.] Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days…" [as Strickland]: … said Madeleine. Strickland: "… and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor…" [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap. Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears." [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think. Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." [Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.] Strickland: What is it, child? Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something. Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God. Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. Strickland: "Yea…" Crow [as Strickland]: "… team!" Strickland: "… the light of the wicked shall be put out…" Mike [as Strickland]: "… by ten-thirty…" Strickland: "… and the spark of his fire shall not shine." Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! [Strickland continues to read, distracted by the "Burn the witch!" chanting outside.] Strickland: "The steps of his strength shall be straitened…" [as Strickland]: Hmmm. This does drag, doesn't it? Strickland: "… and his own counsel cast him down. For he is cast…" [as Strickland]: "… out of plastic…" Strickland: "… for he is cast… into a… net…" Servo [as Strickland]: And it just goes on from there. [The motley townspeople confront Strickland in front of his house.] Keitel: The plague has hit near everybody here, David Strickland, but it ain't hit you. Now, h-how do you explain that? [as Strickland]: Well, I don't comb my hair with rat bones! Gorgo [9.09] [A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. Cut to the next day, as it calmly sits in the water.] : [singing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"] They got into port and everyone was okay. They went out for lunch and felt better. Season 10 Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
Soultaker [10.01] [At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Schilling) wants to go back home to save her mother from the Soultaker. She doesn't realize the Soultaker was masquerading as her mother.] Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom! Zach: No, no — your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. Natalie: What? [as Zach/actor]: Hey, look — you wrote this crap! Unknown Episode See also Television Shows External links
See also Television Shows External links