Monty Python and the Holy Grail

• Peasant 1: How do you know he's a king?
  • Peasant 2: He hasn't got shit all over him.

• "I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective."

• "Well, I didn't vote for you."
  • Notes: Female peasant to King Arthur.

• "'Tis but a scratch."
  • Notes: Black Knight's comment on losing his left arm.

• "It's just a flesh wound."
  • Notes: Black Knight's comment on losing both his arms.

• "Uh, he's already got one you see."
  • Notes: French knight's retort to King Arthur's attempt to see the leader of the castle for help looking for the grail

• "Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Everyone said it was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. Then I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one...stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands."

• (chanting) "Pie Jesu domine, dona eis requiem." (whack)
  • Notes: Chanted by a group of monks carrying fairly large wooden boards

• "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
  • Notes: French Knight insulting King Arthur.

• "Ni!"

• "We dine well here in Camelot/We eat ham and jam and spam a lot"
  • Notes: Camelot Song

• 3 questions of the Bridgekeeper
  • "What is your name?"
    • "Sir Lancelot of Camelot."
  • "What is your quest?"
    • "I seek the grail."
  • "What is your favorite color?"
    • "Blue"
  • "All right. Off you go."
    • "Thank you"
  • "What is your name?"
    • "Sir Robin of Camelot."
  • "What is your quest?"
    • "I seek the grail."
  • "What is capital of Assyria?"
    • "What? I don't know that! AHHHHHHHHHH!" Sir Robin is cast into the gorge of eternal peril.
  • "What is your name?"
    • "Sir Galahad of Camelot."
  • "What is your quest?"
    • "I seek the grail."
  • "What is your favorite color?"
    • "Blue. No wait a minute. Ye- AHHHHHHHHHH!" Sir Gahalad is cast into the gorge of eternal peril.
  • "What is your name?"
    • "Arthur, king of the Britons."
  • "What is your quest?"
    • "I seek the grail."
  • "What is the air-speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow?"
    • "What do you mean? African or European?"
  • "What? I don't know that! AHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Bridgekeeper is cast into the gorge.

• With the Holy Grenade
  • Arthur:"One...Two...Ah, five..."
    • "That's three, sir."

• "Thou shalt count only to three."

• Monty Python's Flying Circus
• Life of Brian