George Carlin

PLEASE heed the words of George Carlin himself, from his website

DON'T BLAME ME

Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.

Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.    And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.

• Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

• Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

• George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

• If Frank Sinatra owed you a favor, you should ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams.

• If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

• What year did Jesus think it was?

Places

• I like Florida. Everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.

• It's a sad thing to visit Oklahoma and see Indians wearing cowboy hats.

• Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country, Holland and the Netherlands, and neither one includes the word "Dutch?"

Politics

• Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?

• Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

• Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

• You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Religion

• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it.

• I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

• I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

• The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Sports

• Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.

• If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

General