Family Guy

• Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
• Stewie: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Your life however is more like a box of...active grenades!
• Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die.
• Chris: Hey birthday dude, you want some ice cream? Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
• Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey I love your act! Nice melons. Peter: Hey listen pal! Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons. Peter: Oh. Man: And her hooters ain't bad either. Peter: Now hang on a second there. Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters! Peter: Oh, sorry. Man: No problem... Your wife's hot. Peter: Alright that's it!
• Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum? Guy 2: Oh, thanks. Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum. Guy 2: What do you mean? Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs] Guy 2: [laughs then shivers] I'm cold.
• Peter: Oh my god. Brian, there's a message in my alphabits. It says "oooo." Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
• Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans. Chris: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the ugly!
• Cop 1: (talking to Brian): Good luck rookie! Cop 2: You're a credit to the force. Cop 3: Additional generic cop compliment!
• Peter (writing letter): Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paperclip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
• Peter: Fox is running one of those new reality specials at eight. Fast animals, Slow Children.
• Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS Program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test.
• Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5 am mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 am. What else haven't you told me!?!!
• Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go? Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks. Brian: I don't care if he ever comes back…I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.
• Stewie (reading the Bible): My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
• Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand every language except english. Yo quiero pancakes. Dali mua pancakes. Clik clik bloody clik pancakes. Foster Mother: Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack.
• Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy...women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
• Peter (imagining Hell): Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh, hey, what, what are you doing here? Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
• Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ahhahaha. Oh, that's right. I went there.
• Peter: You gonna eat that stapler? Calahan: Well you, you can't eat a stapler. Peter: Wanna split it?
• Peter: I read a book about this sort of thing once. Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?. Peter: Oh yeah.
• Peter: You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child, do you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.
• Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible. Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
• Stewie (talking to teddy bear Rupert): Rupert did you know that 'gullible' isn’t in the dictionary? ...(passes dictionary to Rupert)... What's that you say Rupert, it ISN’T in the dictionary? ...(takes dictionary)... Well touché Rupert!"
• Peter: OH NO! Family: OH NO! Jury: OH NO! Kool-Aid Dude (breaks in through Court Room wall): OOOOH YEAAAHHH!... Everyone: (silence) Kool-Aid Dude: (backs out and runs away)