Blackadder

Blackadder Goes Forth

• "The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate meeting between a pig-farmer and a bearded lady. History has, quite rightly, forgotten his name."
  • Notes: Narrator introducing Baldrick.

• "I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises."

• "He spells my doom? Wonderful! Well, that's particularly exciting, because so many people these days can't spell at all!"

• "Oh, damn - one measly civil war in the entire history of England, and I'm on the wrong bloody side!"

• "They will never find an executioner, and if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket."

• "For God's sake, stop that, Baldrick! It's bad enough having one's life in utter ruins without being serenaded by a moron with all the entertainment value of tap-dancing oyster."
  • Notes: Blackadder complaining about Baldrick's singing.

• "Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap, Baldrick."

• "Because, once you cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say, "This is the head of a traitor," at which point, they will shout back, "No it's not -- it's large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache drawn on it."
  • Notes: Blackadder debunking Baldrick's plan.

• "I thought, with the money I got from executing the King, I could sneak out and buy a brand-new king when no-one was looking, and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing."
  • Notes: Baldrick's other plan.

• "Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants."
  • Notes: Blackadder calling Baldrick stupid because of his other plan.

• "Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life, but, er, yes, particularly manufacturing industries."

• "Well, at times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour. He must stand and fight, and die in defence of his future sovereign... Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour..."

Blackadder's Christmas Carol